Grief at the Holidays

 This morning I woke up crying, thinking on the last Christmas with my mom, how she seemed more frail and more tired. It made me cry. I thought how when she was on her "deathbed" and dying how I wished I had crawled into bed with her and hugged her to feel her warmth once again, her love. I have posted about grief in the last few years, my grief. As I know we all grieve differently. I explained how though I have joy in my heart I long for my mom to be here. Though it is selfish of me, I long for her and that chapter of my life to continue and not be over, but it is. My dad, my mom, my brother, now my sister all are no longer in this life. Life is but a vapor then gone, so I remind myself to pour into the ones that I still have. The loved ones that are still with me and don't blink or that will be gone too. Life is short. 

I have posted how I found myself wanting to shop for my mom, and finding myself in the pajama section thinking of her. I got all these encouraging words, sentiment and hope to push me a long. I didn't blog all that for attention but to let others know that I am real. That I face things just like they do and we all struggle. I didn't post it because I am some broken being. I know I will see her again and that she is better off and whole again. I know this. 

I think about the mom who wishes she could hold her baby one more time and the husband or wife who had just one more Christmas with their love. Grief affects many in different ways.

It's funny how the feelings of grief come at the strangest time, it almost feels like fear or anxiety but it's grief.  You know those moments of grief that hit out of no where and you don't want to step away, you feel like crying or screaming and you cry on the inside and sometimes literally but on the inside at times. It' is grief. Some are better at just pushing it away or tucking it tightly back into the "grief box " of your mind and not thinking of it any longer. Others are not, and still some of us want to sit with it and think about the person that is gone, think on the memories, think-    - it is almost like those memories bring them back to us for a moment. 

Grief is always with us. You cannot grieve and not live and you cannot live and not grieve. It is the ebb and flow of life to grieve. 

Grief occurs with any loss. It could be even the loss of a friend - not in death but they moved away. Grief it comes in all forms and from any loss. 

It's okay to sit with it. To medidate on it and in those times you learn so much about yourself. Grieving is okay. 

When mom first passed, I said to myself -I want to grieve as that was my way of holding on to her longer. 

Not sure if that is good or bad. But this holiday season if you have lost someone it is okay to grieve. It is okay to hear a song and get sad, it is okay to look at those cozy shoes and grieve or toy and grieve. It is okay to have panic cries, silent screams, real crying or even real screaming. It is okay. 

I find peace in my faith. I believe in the one true God and the Holy trinity. It is what keeps me going through all the ups and downs of life. My faith is not a crutch but a positive coping mechanism that provides comfort or strong hand to pull up on when I am hanging by a thread. I serve a living God. 

The thing that is not okay is to harden your heart against others or be angry with others. Lashing out at others is not okay. Your struggle with grief does not give you the right to behave badly and hurt others. That is not okay. Let it go. Before lashing out at someone ask yourself, is this about them or me. Talk rational, come from a place of love if something needs to be addressed. Go in love.