each day is new

 This morning I woke up crying, thinking on the last Christmas with my mom, how she seemed more frail and more tired. It made me cry. I thought how when she was on her "deathbed" and dying how I wished I had crawled into bed with her and hugged her to feel her warmth once again, her love. I have posted about grief in the last few years, my grief. As I know we all grieve differently. I explained how though I have joy in my heart I long for my mom to be here. Though it is selfish of me, I long for her and that chapter of my life to continue and not be over, but it is. My dad, my mom, my brother, now my sister all are no longer in this life. Life is but a vapor then gone, so I remind myself to pour into the ones that I still have. The loved ones that are still with me and don't blink or that will be gone too. Life is short.  I have posted how I found myself wanting to shop for my mom, and finding myself in the pajama section thinking of her. I got all these encouraging words...

 I was joking with my niece the other day about the kids keeping their towel that they swim with and re-using it. She joked back and said and you get one towel for the shower all week too.  I am sure I might have said that at some point. Encouraging less waste and holding on to your towel and using it more than once.  Maybe it is unusual in this privileged life we lead.  Yes I said privileged life as we have so much here in America, we waste so much and it's okay that is what we do. But is it really? I recently got to travel and let me tell you we stayed at an AIR BNB which was someone's home and guess how many towels they gave us for a 3 day stay? 1 towel each. Not per day, but for the whole stay. I have stayed with others who also do that. So it isn't uncommon in other countries or in this country to use one towel for a few days.  So I started thinking what else... well in other countries  It isn't uncommon to ride public transportation all over everyday....

Break the curse they said,  Start a new  but before long  Addiction set in  Depression,  a new view Does Addiction come first  or depression start or is it self medication  of a broken heart? Natural, or man made  It's all the same-  up, down a cycle round  Everyday no choice  to make  It gets you in it's hold  LIFE STOLE but you need it and want it  each day it anchors you down a living decay. And the  Curse is still there  Wings broken, no care Apathy all around.... and you can't get off the ground. a fledgling still  the bottom of the hill. a clouded mind ties that bind Curse not broken  only.......you  cause you decided to self  medicate  decide your own fate.  No matter though  how far you go Hope still remains  to get up  clear up fall seven  eight,get up nine.  Break the curse while there's time.

 I admit I am a star lover, a sky lover, a moon lover. I love to look at the vast sky and see the beauty if provides. Throw in a meteor shower and I feel like I am the luckiest person alive.  As I was praying this morning, I began to cry - to cry for my family that struggles at Christmas, the lost family, the family crossed over, gone, moved on and just not here. I cried for what was and what is and what will be. Before long I was no longer shedding tears for prayers but now feeling sorry for myself. Funny how our emotions always land on self even in our best effort, with the best intentions of thinking of others.  I began to search for comforting scripture and I just have not been able to get the "star" out of my mind. I decided to look up the star and see how it guided and comforted the wise men.  I was in a play once and one of my lines was "oh the Star, if only he could find the star( the girl I played just wanted a non-believer to believe ) " I think of the son...

 This time of year is so joyous and happy yet also hard for many. It is a time of parties and family and gatherings. In this time there are some that are missing from that equation. Loss, either through death or maybe just someone moved on, moved away, loss is loss and can create grief.  To live is to grieve. Grief is the price of Love....We are surrounded by it. It is part of the ebb and flow of life.  As I look around I see more than grief, I see busy. We busy ourselves and we often miss the little things of life that are so precious. Busy, busy, busy, life blows by. Here you sit in the dark living in the what if's and why's. I see apathy. We hide. We turn on Netflix and binge watch whatever we can in our few hours of being off of work or our 'downtime'. We shut out and turn off the world and revert into ourselves looking for that peace of comfort we find in nothingness in our dark bedroom searching for peace through the TV. Before long we are looking for light. We be...

 That moment when you get THE news The kind of news that leaves you shaking on the inside  Then you realize your holding your breath and can't hide. The kind of news that makes you feel like you could cry, you want to leave Because, fight or flight kicks in but you remain, and feel the bleed. Responsibilities, distance, all that is required of you. But you just hold your breath and feel like you turn blue. And life is going on all around,  You are removed from the Chaos, yet bound Cannot do your work or concentrate on the now. Yet, you cannot teleport to family and be there somehow. So you sit and feel like a zombie, frozen like a bird in snow The empathy is heavy and the heart is low. Thinking of memories passed, thinking of the life Replaying words and phone calls and all the strife.  But each life is special and each person is too  We live, we die, it's how we are made to do.  So we all do our best to be the comfort and show the love We offer words, we o...

 The New Leprosy I often think of leprosy when I think of the mentally ill.  A true Health disparity still.  Sitting alone, while we sit on a hill  They sit in group homes  In jails, a tiny cell, an underpass, a tent.....a hell.  All because they are different  but they are sick all the same But as a society we treat them isolated, mame They beg, they plead We say set boundaries, they bleed. They bleed on the inside While we tell ourselves  There is a divide. They made their choice long ago But they don't choose much No one wants their brain to loose touch We sit on our soap box for so many Yelling inclusion, diversity, and acceptance  They don't get any. They stare off if medicated right Like a zombie with no might If not they speak to the air,  Some violent, lack care Some friendly, some mean. But they are people,  they should be seen.  They deserve dignity and  respect as we all do. Not like a leper not like a shrew Ign...

 Have you ever been blamed for something you didn't do?  Then once you say I didn't do that you hear it again....  Then you wonder, do they not see my character, do they not know me and that the accusation is so far from my character that it is preposterous ?  I was praying about it this morning, feeling like maybe it's a spiritual battle and something I just have to endure.  I remember as a young Christian wondering what it meant when someone said they are facing a spiritual battle. Now I know it is a fight between darkness and good. It is the human side of us, the carnal side that involves emotions and rumors, and deep dark thoughts of self loathing and low self esteem and comfort and validity that cause us to do things or say things or feel things that are not of God. It is darkness, it is the sin that no one talks about. The sin that leads to depression and dark places of addiction. It is a fight between good and evil behind the scenes or in your mind that n...

  Life is fleeting…..  Today your here, tomorrow gone.  A memory left, a family alone.  Hearts broken, peace be still  Dreams lost, hope unfilled.  A fight that was fought,  memories made,  Hope instilled Hope betrayed Life is fleeting,  then it’s gone…  Hold them close,  Hold them strong. Tomorrow is not promised  Today is here.. Life is short  Time is near A vapor some say Life today Here, then gone…  Vanishing before our eyes Like a song….  Strong, soft, weak  The time is near,  The time is now….  Life is fleeting  You wonder how… Where did it go  Why….  But life is fleeting  then gone Like a vapor, a song.. Time not promised. The present is here Love them now,  Hold them dear.

What do we all think a mom should be ? Strong? Faithful, Loyal, Wise, Hardworking, of course loving, steadfast, helpful... I could go on and on..... My mom, though not perfect was to me a great mom. A Strong Woman: When she went into the hospital in February  for her gallbladder, we all joked that she was the healthiest sick person we know. Though she had been struggling with COPD for about 8 years she never had to be hospitalized for it and when asked about hospitalizations we had to say well it was when she had her hysterectomy like 20 years ago. This was after birthing 6 kids and helping to raise  her sisters too. One being like a sister to me as she lived with us when her mom died. A Woman of Faith: She wasn't perfect, and she wasn't always in church, but through her love for others it was evident. My aunt told me a story of how she took them to church when they were younger and she was the big sister. She had God's word in her heart and she did her best to live i...

Grief is hard.  It affects people in all different ways. My mom passed last Monday morning early 3/23/20 and since that day I have cried just about every day. I have heard the expression of grief and mourning felt deep in your stomach and I have cried with such force that I can feel the muscles in my stomach stretch. I have been easy to cry and or sensitive this whole week while  mourning and thinking of a lot of things, her life, her death, her last few days, my choices, her care, my care for her and the list goes on. I go to sleep thinking of her and wake up thinking of her. I see a movie, a flower, a rainbow a bird, I think of her. Many things remind me of her and her memory is still so fresh. I re live those last few days with her,  those last hours. I embrace it. So why do I embrace grief? To me it is honoring my mom.  Not letting her memory die is honoring and important to me. They say that people live on in our hearts, minds and memories. Yes,...

I can remember clearly the striving..... the oppression, I can remember clearly the addiction, the weekends filled with alcohol, drugs, sitting around a fire..... Was it depression? Was it addiction? Or is it this recent genetic defect that I have recently learned about with in our genetic make up?  What is this generational curse that embodies us? Now, looking back I think my dad, my mom too and most of my siblings all were self medicating with whatever they could find to dull the hurt of the world all around them. Though they are my memories,  now,  I look back and feel like whatever they are-  they are mine. Memories of my dad, my family,  those however painful at times were also fun times too. I could have easily stepped around the corner, smoked weed, drank alcohol or any of it, but I didn't want to repeat the curse, I wanted to be different. I wanted more out of life. We did not ask for this room or this music, we were invited in.  Th...

Recently I was reading some struggles from a Foster Mom.  I cannot imagine taking care of a sick child day in and day out, but I have taken care and help raise children that were not biologically mine and also have raised children that are biologically mine. I must say that both are equally hard because being responsible for another human being is heavy. It's hard, it's real and great yet hard and heavy.  Being a parent is rewarding on all fronts but also a very serious responsibility. I have made mistakes. I have said things, done things, and messed up at parenting on many levels, but as I get older I remind myself that I am only human and to be human is to Err....if you are trying, if you are living - well you are most likely apt to make a mistake. A mother's love, and a mother's heart is always such a special thing. When I say mother, you know who I am talking to;  whether you have biologically birthed a child or you are a foster mom, a mom of an adopted child, ...

Are there times when you just want your dad, or your mom, or anyone to comfort you in your present circumstance. Maybe you just want to ask a question but it's impossible. It's been so many years since I lost my dad. I was in my twenties and felt like such an orphan when he passed.  I had always been so independent -so, not for that reason, but for the reason that my family circle was broken. My family was broken and those memories of him drinking and being rowdy now became the only memories. The piggy back rides, the joking, the fun...... a memory. One memory though that stands out ... even though we were not extremely close,  is the memory of his heart. He had a heart of gold. Countless times as a truck driver he would pick up strays,  not animals...people,  and some would end up at our house. He was a champion for the weak. Now as a young man and even teen he might have been a bit of a bully. He played football and played hard. He was pretty popular at schoo...

In a world full of competition and getting ahead, how do we retain and appreciate morals? Are morals slipping away? Often kids are taught morals in church but studies show more and more people are skipping church or if they are going they find that mega church that will allow them to just go to worship service get a feel good feeling and never connect. What about the children, well even if they are being dropped off in a program, they are getting the same - little connection, little engagement.  Are we teaching them morals at home? There was once a time in this great America that even if the parents did not darken a door of a religious building,  the mom or dad or both would still teach the children a great deal about morals and virtues. Are we doing that now ? As a teacher in adult learning, I am seeing less and less of the virtue of integrity.  We see more and more lapse in decision making and loss of academic integrity than what we would like. Why is this? Is i...

     In today's schools, more and more kids are suffering from anxiety and depression. It's not always due to the parents or being pushed by the parents, but the busy world we live in thrives on such a competitive environment. Students feel that they must achieve at the top of their class in order to be successful. College tuition is at it's highest and student loans are as well. The generation we live in pushes to be debt free but the debt keeps building up. We are living in a false economy and our children are paying for it. Our lives are paying for it. Our family time, our down time is non-existent because we must work hard, achieve, dream big and our children are trying their best to follow in our footsteps but due to privilege they struggle because they don't understand or have the same drive, they just know that the competition is there and the struggle is real.   Gone are the days of being successful with a high school diploma, now the bachelor's degree is t...

Can one act of kindness change the world? Could something you do for one person, if we all committed to doing one act, would we change the world? Could we? I can remember the obsession America and the world had with Princess Diana. It wasn't just because she was royalty. It was because she was the 'people's princess'. She was kind, she helped others, but most of all she was the 'people's princess' because she cared about people. She never made anyone feel small with her presence,  she made people feel hopeful in mankind because of her presence and the love and kindness that she bestowed through her being.  Perhaps you can think of someone like that, someone in your life who helped you up, who lifted you, a kind word, a smile or act.   Do we all just get too busy, and too self absorbed to see our fellow man that struggles?  Words, smiles, and most gestures are free, it will not cost you a dime to encourage someone. Try it. I have a friend that...

Sometimes He Calms His Child  I rushed around this morning trying to think of what means most to me, what books, what pictures, what items I might want to put in ziplock bags, take with me, ( in case of complete loss) or put up  high in case there is just a little flooding. My mind was in overload at this point. I had spent all day yesterday helping to board up the house and seal the doorways and I felt physically tired already even though I had slept all night.  We originally were gonna stay at home, but as Irma kept changing,  at the last minute, we decided the storm surge risk was nothing to play with or gamble with shall I say.  Irma cannot decide which way she is gonna blow and I feel like she is just a huge stick of dynamite.  Though this city has never in all of history had a storm come this severe or large, no one really could tell us what to expect as far as storm surge, so we decided to leave our home. It was harder than I thought...

As Easter approaches, we all enjoy a good egg hunt. Well, some enjoy the hunt, others have to be motivated to do the hunt with the prize egg. It's funny how our brains all work differently.  Some are satisfied with looking, striving and just finding the eggs of life, doing life and going through the motions. Then there are others of us who really must be motivated in life, we look for that next big thing, the next vacations, milestone, etc... we are the ones who respond to positive re-enforcement and or the reward system. The cool kids are the ones who will get out there and search for those eggs if there is a good prize awaiting them. They also enjoy the challenge of the search as well. So now I want to contemplate a little deeper.... Are there really two kinds of people? 1. Those that are up for anything, even tempered, ready to do whatever, go on that egg hunt, live life in contentment and smile through it all. 2. Those that go through life searching for the next big...

 I never ever thought I would have my graduate degree in Nursing. Not that I am not scholarly, but I was happy with my ADN in nursing, just about the same pay and all I ever wanted to do was just be a nurse. For years, I never had any other desire but to do bedside nursing. To me that is nursing. But as fate changed, and God's plan for me changed,  my goals and desires changed. First it was motherhood, once you are a mother, your desires change rapidly. I was no longer the girl with ambition in my career but I was a mom. I just wanted to be a mom and my job was secondary. As a mother working shift work and 12 hr shifts, you quickly realize you are missing out on so much. But each day you go back and you make the most of the time you have at home, after all you still have some days off to make up the time missed. ( that is what you tell yourself anyway) You find that balance in the little things. In the constant reminder that you do make the most of the time you have. ...